no difference

Ever wonder if what you are doing makes a difference? Of course. We all do. Recently I came to the cruel realization that a good portion of 4.5 years did not make a difference. Not a bit.

College sports are a huge part of a person's growing up. In college you solidify who you want to be (in my humble opinion). Well, I played basketball. I was a freshman walk on who played JV for THREE YEARS. After that I realized that Coach didn't want me, nothing I did could impress him, and my heart wasn't enough. I quit playing and helped coach and filmed every home game and practice for the next two seasons. But at the end when Seniors night rolled around...did I get mentioned? did I get a head nod? did I get thanked even behind the scenes....F no.

That I can live with. Hard as that is to say. What I can't live with, what hurts me the most, is that two weeks ago I got engaged, and not one teammate has congratulated me. In five years I did not make one friend on the basketball court who cares enough about my life to wish me congratulations. That's when I realized that nothing I did had made a difference.

Home alone.

it's fun. but not when you only have one day to yourself and lots to do. I don't even have the time to take a bath with all the smelly salts that double as illegal drugs. I have to go to church, go to work, go work out, go grocery shopping, mail papers for loan repayments, and all that jazz. That and I'm all alone so I have no one to complain or brag to. I think that is what sucks the most.

anyway, peace out, Happy Easter to everyone!

Everyone has a little Pyro in them

So once again I have car troubles. Based on the title of this chapter of the blog, you would think I want to light a fire to it. You'd be wrong. My car is again leaking gas from the tank. It first happened in October and I got a patch put on the tank and there was a small dent on the tank I was told. For a classic example of the Mondays, I opened my garage door this morning and was overwhelmed by the overwhelming smell of gasoline. I pulled my car out, and saw $42.00 worth of gas being leaked out and a standing puddle of the gas just sitting there laughing at me.

Quick as a leprechaun is short I go to my mechanic and tell them my dilemma. They had fixed the problem in October so I thought they would quick do it again. Apparently customers with emergency drive-ins are put behind people who call ten minutes later and ask for one new tire. Grrr... At 3 they said they would work on it and replace the tank for a mere $400, and luckily there is a tank in town so we don't have to wait. Now at 5:15 I am still waiting to hear if they are done.

Back to the Pyro inside all of us...why is my first impulse (when looking at a puddle of gasoline from my car) to light a match and watch it burn? Even when the puddle of gas inside a garage or in the midst of several parked cars, I want to burn it!!! Good thing I don't carry a lighter with me at all times....

New Bed!

i was wondering dear readers, if you have ever just used something to get by on for a short period of time, but when the time comes to replace it, you now love it? Since December 17 I've been sleeping on my futon (which is useless as a couch, but very useful as a shelf). Now, nearly three months later I have a bed (it's not new but it's a real bed) and I don't want to make the switch. Is that weird?

The problem isn't that I don't want the bed, it's I don't know what to do with my futon when I'm no longer sleeping on it. The back leg is broken, so it's balancing on a cast iron statue of a lion, the matress does not unattach, and I live in a fairly small apartment that is already fully furnished. The choices are to throw it and cry later, fix the leg and give it to a thrift store, or throw it as is in storage downstairs and maybe use it again. hmmmmm...I think I'll watch tv instead.

Falling down the Rabbit Hole

Ben has moved away. It was a very sad day for Chad and Sue. Unfortunately for me, I had a relationship with Ben that was so set in stone that we were enemies that I could not be sad to see him go, that would have been too weird for him. Even our goodbye hug was off center. I do regret not being able to be more sad and not able to comfort Chad as much. So now he's in MT and looking for work and new friends. The sooner Chad and Sue move out the better. That house just isn't the same.

Other than that, life is still wonderful. The new facility opened today, with construction crews still walking around and painting stairs. It was embarassing having only a frame of 2x4 covered with a brown cloth as our front desk. Still no computers up and running when I left at 2:30. But a lot of people walked through the building and were amazed at it. Nobody went swimming until I did at 1 o'clock, then a five people did when I finished. The pool is amazing, I never would have thought underwater speakers could work, but they are crystal clear.

Currently jamming out to my new album Almost Alice and planning a weekend in Fargo with family and friends and hopefully we will get to watch the new Wonderland movie!!

new room!

God bless Moms.

We had a baptism at church today and there were a couple in front of us. It was all rather wonderful (minus the kid two pues infront of us sitting without his mom). To top it off my mom came to town with Casey's Mom like they do once a year. She bought me a couple little pieces of funiture to fix up my room of my new apt and we spent the whole afternoon assemblying and singing. We made up a song, hilarious. You can probably find it on facebook. It was a great day.

Only one "stranger" pegged us as mother daughter when we laughed so it wasn't too bad. I had to beat up Chad a little bit when he called me Pam....other than that it was a great weekend and I just wanted to thank God for moms.

Wonderful World!!

I don't know if this is wonderful or perfect, but the people moving into the apartment upstairs are my boyfriend and one of his roommates! Chad has been renting the Grode house for over four years now (weird) and he's finally had enough. That and his fav roomie Ben has quit his job at ACE and is moving home to work on the oil lines. We will all miss that hairy sheep fucker. Anyway! Chad and Sue are tired of living with a dog that barks and with a kid who's almost an alcoholic, so they are moving in together, again, and moving to our apartment! He hasn't told the real landlord yet, but nobody reads my blog so I don't think I'm spilling the beans to anyone.

I am just so excited because everything in my life just seems to be taking huge steps right now and they are all in the right direction. Chad is going to be moving and he's so happy about that, I have a wonderful internship which is turning into a job, my interview for a second job went great and seems to make Chad happier than it makes me, a friend just started a relationship, and my roommate and I laugh all night everynight singing the Robot Chicken end song!!! Life is just really, really good right now.

New Neighbor! Where are you?

Neighbors number 5 are moving out and we are looking for someone awesome to replace them before the landlord starts advertising the opening. How cool would it be to find all your friends and get them to live in the same building?? There's 8 apts and we already know 3 peoples...with an opening to come in March...we are half way there to running our own party palace!!

If I had an apartment building I would rent it exclusively to college students. They all party harty and I wouldn't want any sort of adult human to be a neighbor of a college student. That just wouldn't be fair. If only I ran the world....

ice cream is so good.

So the Grammys were awesome! I got to watch P!nk perform again, she was the third act. I think she totally wowed her fellow artists and got a couple wet with her human sprinkler routine. Her voice control and grace while twirling suspended in the air is just awe inspiring. I will not hear any of you accuse her of lipscyning, she is real. I wish she would have won one Grammy. Or that she and Carey could have gotten a little more camera time, jeez, never got to see them.

Anyway ever since that night my throat feels like it has been attacked by a ninja. My gag reflex is in overdrive, I cough, I itch, I hurt when I swallow, only ice cream and drinks taste good. So if anyone has a spare gallon of ice cream give me a call.

lots of phone calls today

So now that the word is out and everyone in town is figuring out we actually have an opening day the calls and questions are coming in. There is a real deadline now and I'm not getting anywhere. The people I am requesting information from are either just as clueless as I am, on vacation, ignoring me, or are too busy to give me the attention I need.

What I feel the most bad about is the opening day is right in the middle of two different weddings, and the weddings are in February! There aren't a lot of weddings in February but I can't make it to either of them now because of this job. grrr. At least I hope my boss will let me go for the weekend prior so I can visit my Grandpa and Grandma Nelson on their 50th aniversary.

drinking and drawing

So maybe I will make this a habit, writing while buzzed or while drinking. I feel more apt too sharing tmi and getting some emotions out. ;) If my bf were here I would not be blogging wink wink. I'd be cuddling. Cuddling is the best thing any couple can do, even if you aren't a couple cuddling is just awesome. I feel so bad for those people who don't like physical touch and instead are very turned off by a hug or a pat on the back. I could never live like that and it's hard when encountering a person like that...I feel like I've lost possible friendships or have weaker ones because I can't touch them and express my feelings because I have to respect their feelings. awkward. Then on the flip side I want to cuddle with friends I do have strong relationships with and that may just become too awkward too (bf might not like that).

I digress. I LOVE drawing. I love drawing my friends and yes I am cheap, so I give my drawings away as presents. If you haven't guessed (you future Hoar) you're getting a drawing. Maybe I'm being predictable, but I love drawing people, and happy people in love, is one of my comfortable zones. Since I have a job and no homework to occupy my evenings I think I will start branching out and try drawing different emotions, like sorrow, or happy. I have drawn anger and sorrow before but not anything that I want to share...maybe I should anyway. You can see the emotion in those drawings if you were blind. Yep...drinking definently helps my artistic side. I wish I drank in HS when I had an upheaval of emotions. I would be in the Louve by now!

Bucks!

buzzed on a work night!

Ever wish the bar managers would ask you to compete in one of their competitions?? Like the School Girl competition they got going on next month, not that I want to compete and let men/strangers oogle at me. It's more like I want to compete and have fun with some of my girls and be sexy for my man. Weird, but if you got it flaunt it.

That's buzzed rational for you there! Love you all dear readers!!

long weekend

my feet hurt.

That and my knees.

But that is because I've been up since 6am both days this weekend acting as site supervisor at the State Youth Basketball Tournament here in Bis, and then at night filming both Marauder basketball university games. Fortunately I was able to leave the youth tournament early both days and get a nap in....

I made a but load of money, learned some good things about P&R, and watched the Marauders win 3/4 games! It was overall a great weekend, but then someone goes and ruins it at the last minute. Someone who isn't optimistic about their team, but instead is painfully pessimistic and annoying. I told him we were going to win at half time, and he says "doubtful". We win at in overtime and he's complaining the whole time. Just go with the moment and live and enjoy and love unconditionally. Freaking fair weather fans. I hate em.

now my head hurts.

and my feet and knees.

Is this what you felt like AJ before your foot diagnosis?

point of the blog is, I just wanted to vent about my pain and frustration. I'm done now, and I'm going to bed.

2010 Resolution

I don't really like resolutions. They seem like goals people make just because everyone else is making one, and they don't put any heart into it. I believe that you can make a resolution any time of the year and it will mean much more to you if you do that. My resolution for 2009 was to get a tattoo, and I had several ideas printed and posted around my room so I would look at them everyday and think about my resolution. Unfortunately as of 11:59 on 12/31/09 I was still ink free, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on that resolution. Just because my timeline expired doesn't mean the goal is unreachable now. I am still going to get my tattoo and it will be bitchin.

As for my resolution for 2010....my goal is to be irrational and do what God wants for me, to shut up and listen, and to finally find happiness and share it.